Gail Herbert, MS, LPC, LCMHCAPsychotherapist When my boys were little, if one was crying, and I met them with “Stop crying, it wasn’t that bad,” they would sniffle and the painful feeling would be extended. If I instead met them with, “It hurts doesn’t it?” and rubbing their back, they would finish crying and return to playing. If I slowed and took my time with gentleness and comfort, the feeling moved along. If not, it seemed to get stuck. Moments like these have shaped how I understand what it really means to heal. What is healing? I believe it is integration of the parts of a person. Dr. Dan Siegel says: “harmony [unfolds] with the five features of FACES flow: Flexible, adaptive, coherent (holding together dynamically over time), energized, and stable.” To be able to be flexible and adaptive to circumstances, to be coherent in thought, and to feel energized and stable in emotion, is to be able to flow with the ups and downs of life. When healing is a goal–if you feel like something has shattered within–then slowing down is important, even if you want it to happen quickly. This can be frustrating, I know! But remember that healing happens continuously on a path. It is not a final destination that happens suddenly. And if you feel as though you have shattered, those pieces can be put together any way you want them to be. You can rebuild yourself into who you want to be.  So how does a person “slow down” emotionally? It means spending time with emotion. This does not mean sinking down into a pit of sadness. Rather, it means noticing feelings with curiosity and without judgment. A person may do this in meditation, while being creative, while walking or showering, any way that helps you feel emotion. It is critical to meet the emotion with curiosity and not judgment. For example, if I feel sad, I feel uncomfortable. I might close my eyes to tune into my body. Then I might notice I feel a little bit of fear in my stomach. Rather than trying to push it away with thoughts such as “You should not be feeling this way” or “Just get over it!” instead I might notice those thoughts and think “I wonder what is making me feel afraid?” Or I might picture myself as a child or friend. I might imagine giving that person a hug or being nurturing. If I can learn to treat myself as I treated my boys, with slowness and nurturing kindness, healing will move along more quickly than with harsh criticism of myself. Give it a try. Let yourself feel emotion. This is where healing begins.
0 Comments
Leslie "Les" Gura, LCMHC, NCC, CCTPPsychotherapist The spring equinox represents the passing of season, from the harshness of winter’s cold and early darkness to the brightness of warmer temperatures and longer days. Many people welcome this time of year with joy in their eyes and a spring (so to speak) in their step. But it’s rarely that simple, is it? Some people are sad to say goodbye to winter. I’m one of them. It’s not that I love the cold or snow – although the storm that dumped 6 inches on us the last day of January was the most beautiful in my 23 years in North Carolina. It’s just that this time of year reminds me of two difficult dates in my life. My dog, Nilla, the most gentle, perfect canine ever, died on March 17, 2023. Thanks to social media, I am reminded of that day constantly this time of year. And April 2 will mark what would have been my father’s 106th birthday. My best friend and most important influence has been gone for nearly 44 years. In other words, when I think about the onset of spring, my mind goes to those two huge losses. My throat is tightening as I write this blog. The thing is, treating grief is an essential part of counseling. And my lived experience informs and strengthens my work with clients who are grieving. Some don’t even know it because grief, though centered on loss, is not always about death. Often, I will gently point out to clients that their anxiety or depression over losing a job or breaking up with a partner is actually the way they are experiencing grief. Regardless of the type of grief, how do you recognize it? Here are a handful of ways:
And how do we learn to manage grief’s symptoms? It starts with recognizing a loss, because once we accept we have suffered one, we can begin to grieve it more openly. My father’s death in 1982 was shattering because it came out of the blue; he had appeared at age 62 in the best shape of his life. I was just 22 and didn’t know how to shed tears, much less grieve. It took seven years, when the 1989 movie Field of Dreams was released, before I grieved my dad’s death. At the end of the movie, Kevin Costner’s Ray Kinsella turns around in the twilight to see his father emerge from the cornfield and they get to play catch. In the darkened theater, my throat caught. I could barely breathe. And, oh, I felt hot tears rolling down my cheeks more quickly than I could wipe them away. My wife noticed. And for the first time, I was able to share the pain of my dad’s death with another person. Flash forward 34 years and grieving came easily, but no less painfully, when I recognized my dog, Nilla, was in decline. In October 2022, I chose to get ahead of the grief to come by through a series of daily social media posts honoring Nilla, sharing fun, nostalgic and poignant pics of my 14-year-old dog. Then, after she died, I let the immediate pain subside and eventually blogged about knowing when and how to make that awful, merciful decision about a beloved pet.  There are many ways to manage grief. Here are a few ideas:
Remember, if you find your throat tightening or eyes welling this season, let the tears flow. More than anything, grief is a process that, like the seasons, can be hard to predict.
Christine Ridley, MSW, LCSW, ADHD-CCSPPsychotherapist The holidays can be tough for some people, with a variety of emotions showing up. This holiday season, I felt some melancholy. My grandfather entered hospice. I watched my mother grieve her father. I spent time in a hospital room, a memory care unit, and by a hospital bed while others were celebrating togetherness. How many of us find the joy of the holiday season difficult to hold while we are aware there is an empty seat at the table? Grief is many things and is not limited to the death of a loved one. Grief can also arise from the loss of a job, having to detach from a friend, ceasing contact with a family member due to their active addiction and not wanting to enable their behavior, experiencing the ‘empty nest’, or missing a previous time in your life that you cherished.  A Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, coined the 5 Stages of Grief based on her work with terminally ill patients and they have been widely adapted to the framework of grief. Note that these stages are fluid and not linear.
In my counseling work, I use a skill called dialectics from the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) framework to hold grief. Dialectics is a philosophical framework in which two seemingly opposite truths can coexist. With grief, dialectics sounds like this: “I am devastated by their loss and I am relieved they are no longer in pain.” By holding two opposite truths at the same time, we are not invalidating that there is pain here, we are acknowledging the pain, while noticing what is around that pain, so that we can better move through the emotions without judgment, without pushing away the pain, and honoring it. I often encourage my clients to have a daily practice or ritual where they honor their grief. You may choose to have a sacred space where you sit daily. This is a space that is comfortable for you, whether it is outside on a park bench or inside your home in your favorite chair. You may set a timer for 15 minutes and light a candle. Leaning into stillness, name your emotions, notice the physical sensations that may be there in your body, and honor them. For example, “I am noticing sadness here. Sadness feels like tears forming behind my eyes and heaviness in my chest. To honor this, I am going to let my tears flow, open up my chest, breathe in some calm and breathe out sadness. To honor the sadness I feel today, I am going to notice that while I am sad, I notice I am allowing myself to heal in brave ways.” Blow the candle out and this is the end of the practice. By allowing yourself time to have this practice daily, this prevents the build up of grief and allows for healing, one day at a time. May you find peace in your healing journey.
|
Banyan Tree Counseling & WellnessWe are a team of licensed clinicians with a holistic, strengths-based, and evidence-based approach. We offer counseling for people of all ages, life coaching, group therapy, educational consulting and advocacy, assessments, and dietary nutrition services. 
Categories
All
|
Counseling/Psychotherapy • Psychiatric Services • Medication Management • Nutrition counseling
COUPLES & FAMILIES • CHILDREN & TEENS • EDUCATIONAL ADVOCACY
|
Phone:
ph: (336) 448-4451 fax: (336) 450-1884 |
Winston-Salem Locations:
3303 Healy Dr Suite B 3305 Healy Dr 1409-J Plaza West Road Winston Salem, NC 27103 **In-person and telehealth! |
Wilmington Location:
206 N. 4th St, Suite 15 Wilmington, NC 28401 **Wilmington is accepting telehealth clients. In-person availability Summer, 2026!** |
|
If you are in a life threatening situation call 1 (800) 273-8255 or use these resources to get immediate help.
HIPAA Notice of Privacy Practices
© 2015-2026 Banyan Tree Counseling PLLC | Banyan Integrated Health PLLC | Banyan Tree Wellness LLC | All Rights Reserved.
All content on this website, unless otherwise specified, is the sole property of Banyan Tree Counseling & Wellness and is protected by copyright laws.
Any unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or use of this content is strictly prohibited and may result in legal action.
HIPAA Notice of Privacy Practices
© 2015-2026 Banyan Tree Counseling PLLC | Banyan Integrated Health PLLC | Banyan Tree Wellness LLC | All Rights Reserved.
All content on this website, unless otherwise specified, is the sole property of Banyan Tree Counseling & Wellness and is protected by copyright laws.
Any unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or use of this content is strictly prohibited and may result in legal action.