Holding Grief and the Post Holiday Blues
Written by Christine Ridley, MSW, LCSW, ADHD-CCSP
Psychotherapist
The holidays can be tough for some people, with a variety of emotions showing up. This holiday season, I felt some melancholy. My grandfather entered hospice. I watched my mother grieve her father. I spent time in a hospital room, a memory care unit, and by a hospital bed while others were celebrating togetherness.
How many of us find the joy of the holiday season difficult to hold while we are aware there is an empty seat at the table? Grief is many things and is not limited to the death of a loved one. Grief can also arise from the loss of a job, having to detach from a friend, ceasing contact with a family member due to their active addiction and not wanting to enable their behavior, experiencing the ‘empty nest’, or missing a previous time in your life that you cherished.
A Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, coined the 5 Stages of Grief based on her work with terminally ill patients and they have been widely adapted to the framework of grief. Note that these stages are fluid and not linear.
Denial: “This really can’t be happening!”
Anger: “You don’t understand what I’m going through! Leave me alone!”
Bargaining: “If only I insisted on driving myself, the accident never would have happened.”
Depression: “There is no point to me hanging out with friends, I am too sad to participate.”
Acceptance: “I cherish the time I spent with him and can find a way to move forward while holding space for grief at the same time.”
In my counseling work, I use a skill called dialectics from the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) framework to hold grief. Dialectics is a philosophical framework in which two seemingly opposite truths can coexist. With grief, dialectics sounds like this:
“I am devastated by their loss and I am relieved they are no longer in pain.”
“I am doing my best to cope and I still have a lot of room to grow in my healing.”
“I feel deep despair and I know there is hope for healing around me.”
“I feel the heavy weight of sadness in my body and I can notice there is love around me.”
By holding two opposite truths at the same time, we are not invalidating that there is pain here, we are acknowledging the pain, while noticing what is around that pain, so that we can better move through the emotions without judgment, without pushing away the pain, and honoring it.
I often encourage my clients to have a daily practice or ritual where they honor their grief. You may choose to have a sacred space where you sit daily. This is a space that is comfortable for you, whether it is outside on a park bench or inside your home in your favorite chair. You may set a timer for 15 minutes and light a candle. Leaning into stillness, name your emotions, notice the physical sensations that may be there in your body, and honor them.
For example, “I am noticing sadness here. Sadness feels like tears forming behind my eyes and heaviness in my chest. To honor this, I am going to let my tears flow, open up my chest, breathe in some calm and breathe out sadness. To honor the sadness I feel today, I am going to notice that while I am sad, I notice I am allowing myself to heal in brave ways.” Blow the candle out and this is the end of the practice. By allowing yourself time to have this practice daily, this prevents the build up of grief and allows for healing, one day at a time. May you find peace in your healing journey.
Author, Christine Ridley, MSW, LCSW, ADHD-CCSP, specializes in evidence-based assessment and treatment for ADHD while also supporting clients with anxiety, depression, and trauma. She provides targeted interventions for executive functioning challenges, emotional regulation, and time management difficulties. Christine builds trusting relationships while recognizing that ADHD looks different for everyone. She combines ADHD-specific strategies with evidence-based approaches and mindfulness to help clients understand their brains, build on strengths, and create sustainable coping tools and growth.
