Saying Goodbye

Leslie "Les" Gura, LCMHC, NCC, CCTP

Psychotherapist

The spring equinox represents the passing of season, from the harshness of winter’s cold and early darkness to the brightness of warmer temperatures and longer days. Many people welcome this time of year with joy in their eyes and a spring (so to speak) in their step.

But it’s rarely that simple, is it? Some people are sad to say goodbye to winter. I’m one of them.

It’s not that I love the cold or snow – although the storm that dumped 6 inches on us the last day of January was the most beautiful in my 23 years in North Carolina. It’s just that this time of year reminds me of two difficult dates in my life. My dog, Nilla, the most gentle, perfect canine ever, died on March 17, 2023. Thanks to social media, I am reminded of that day constantly this time of year. And April 2 will mark what would have been my father’s 106th birthday. My best friend and most important influence has been gone for nearly 44 years.

In other words, when I think about the onset of spring, my mind goes to those two huge losses. My throat is tightening as I write this blog.

The thing is, treating grief is an essential part of counseling. And my lived experience informs and strengthens my work with clients who are grieving. Some don’t even know it because grief, though centered on loss, is not always about death. Often, I will gently point out to clients that their anxiety or depression over losing a job or breaking up with a partner is actually the way they are experiencing grief.

Regardless of the type of grief, how do you recognize it? Here are a handful of ways:

• Not wanting to get out of bed.
• Lashing out at others (especially loved ones) over minor issues.
• Overeating.
• Using substances.
• Feeling a constant ball of anxiety in the pit of your stomach.
• Struggling to fall asleep because of racing thoughts.

And how do we learn to manage grief’s symptoms? It starts with recognizing a loss, because once we accept we have suffered one, we can begin to grieve it more openly.

My father’s death in 1982 was shattering because it came out of the blue; he had appeared at age 62 in the best shape of his life. I was just 22 and didn’t know how to shed tears, much less grieve. It took seven years, when the 1989 movie Field of Dreams was released, before I grieved my dad’s death. At the end of the movie, Kevin Costner’s Ray Kinsella turns around in the twilight to see his father emerge from the cornfield and they get to play catch. In the darkened theater, my throat caught. I could barely breathe. And, oh, I felt hot tears rolling down my cheeks more quickly than I could wipe them away. My wife noticed. And for the first time, I was able to share the pain of my dad’s death with another person.

Flash forward 34 years and grieving came easily, but no less painfully, when I recognized my dog, Nilla, was in decline. In October 2022, I chose to get ahead of the grief to come by through a series of daily social media posts honoring Nilla, sharing fun, nostalgic and poignant pics of my 14-year-old dog. Then, after she died, I let the immediate pain subside and eventually blogged about knowing when and how to make that awful, merciful decision about a beloved pet.

There are many ways to manage grief. Here are a few ideas:

• Have a trusted friend or loved one (or therapist) listen without judgment. Beware of those who attempt to problem-solve, make it about themselves, or become defensive.
• Journaling can allow you to write out feelings and emotions that would otherwise be bottled up inside.
• A gratitude list allows you to gently smile and recall kindness and love in your life.
• Role play enables people who are grieving to act out emotions they are feeling, presumably with an empathetic partner or coach in the endeavor.

​Remember, if you find your throat tightening or eyes welling this season, let the tears flow. More than anything, grief is a process that, like the seasons, can be hard to predict.

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Les Gura

Author Leslie "Les" Gura, LCMHC, NCC, CCTP brings a unique, narrative-informed perspective shaped by nearly 30 years as a journalist focused on storytelling and social justice.

​Les specializes in trauma work, including EMDR, and is particularly drawn to helping clients process difficult experiences and reshape the narratives they carry. Les integrates multiple counseling approaches, grounded in presence, empathy, and deep listening.