The Importance of Friendship

Gail Herbert, MS, LPC, LCMHCA

Psychotherapist

Many of us feel alone. We feel as though we are not known and not deeply loved by those around us. As a counselor, I see many people feeling intense anxiety and depression, feeling trapped and unable to make a move in any direction. I see people who have experienced trauma and then do not have the support to pick up the pieces. This experience can lead to developing painful relationships and even violence. I hear this pain in the lyrics of music and I see it played out in stories in books, television, and movies.

Friendship is important. It adds joy and depth to life. But how do you form a deep connection? How do you develop trust yet maintain boundaries? How do you stop feeling so alone?

For me, I have to find the ability to be open to trust. This starts by connecting with the belief that we are all in this together, struggling to figure out life. Once I connect with this belief, I have to connect with the understanding that I can move slowly, at my own pace. It is okay to take time to get to know people, and to get to know yourself in relation to them.

If I am in a space where I feel that “we” (people in general) are on the same side, gradually I will be ready to be somewhat vulnerable with someone. Not everyone. I pay attention to cues: are they humble? Do we seem to have similar values? Then I proceed with vulnerability.

How does a person “be vulnerable?”

I start with being deeply present to the other person. I let myself get caught up in what they are saying, rather than preparing my next statement. This may mean there could be silence, and that is okay. (It takes practice to become more comfortable with silence). Then I share my thoughts or feelings. I may disagree with them. I may agree. I may offer an experience of my own. I may ask curious questions. I try to listen with a stance of curiosity rather than from a stance of judgement or defense, waiting to catch them being wrong or trying to hurt me. I allow my heart to feel a connection.

I have often been surprised that a conversation may go to a deep place quickly. But a connection from vulnerability is not the same as “defended exposure.” Defended exposure means “I will tell you something from my life that seems vulnerable, but is really from a cognitive, rather than feeling, place.” To connect, allow feelings to come forward. Speak from feeling rather than from logic and intellect only.

What does friendship feel like? Energizing and uplifting, yet calming at the same time. A friend may challenge you, but it is not demeaning or cruel.

Friendship–connection–brings richness to life. It can be scary to allow connection and it is worth it.
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What do you think? How have you made your strongest connections? Also, what stops you from connections sometimes?

Gail Herbert, MS, LPC, LCMHCA

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