Healing Happens in Pieces: Why Slowing Down Is Essential to Emotional Processing

Gail Herbert, MS, LPC, LCMHCA

Psychotherapist

When my boys were little, if one was crying, and I met them with “Stop crying, it wasn’t that bad,” they would sniffle and the painful feeling would be extended. If I instead met them with, “It hurts doesn’t it?” and rubbing their back, they would finish crying and return to playing. If I slowed and took my time with gentleness and comfort, the feeling moved along. If not, it seemed to get stuck. Moments like these have shaped how I understand what it really means to heal.

What is healing? I believe it is integration of the parts of a person. Dr. Dan Siegel says: “harmony [unfolds] with the five features of FACES flow: Flexible, adaptive, coherent (holding together dynamically over time), energized, and stable.” To be able to be flexible and adaptive to circumstances, to be coherent in thought, and to feel energized and stable in emotion, is to be able to flow with the ups and downs of life.

When healing is a goal–if you feel like something has shattered within–then slowing down is important, even if you want it to happen quickly. This can be frustrating, I know! But remember that healing happens continuously on a path. It is not a final destination that happens suddenly. And if you feel as though you have shattered, those pieces can be put together any way you want them to be. You can rebuild yourself into who you want to be.

So how does a person “slow down” emotionally? It means spending time with emotion. This does not mean sinking down into a pit of sadness. Rather, it means noticing feelings with curiosity and without judgment. A person may do this in meditation, while being creative, while walking or showering, any way that helps you feel emotion. It is critical to meet the emotion with curiosity and not judgment. For example, if I feel sad, I feel uncomfortable. I might close my eyes to tune into my body. Then I might notice I feel a little bit of fear in my stomach. Rather than trying to push it away with thoughts such as “You should not be feeling this way” or “Just get over it!” instead I might notice those thoughts and think “I wonder what is making me feel afraid?” Or I might picture myself as a child or friend. I might imagine giving that person a hug or being nurturing.

If I can learn to treat myself as I treated my boys, with slowness and nurturing kindness, healing will move along more quickly than with harsh criticism of myself. Give it a try. Let yourself feel emotion. This is where healing begins.

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Gail Herbert

Author Gail Herbert is licensed in the states of North Carolina and Missouri and has over 20 years of experience in mental health, social services, and educational settings.

Trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples and individuals, EMDR, and sand tray therapy, Gail has experience with those who have had painful or overwhelming circumstances, trauma, teens, adults, and couples.