Yubi Aranda Sandoval, MS, LCMHCA, NCCPsychotherapist Couples therapy is one of my favorite types of therapy sessions. Some therapists choose not to do couples therapy due to the complexity of working simultaneously with two individuals who are navigating distress in their relationship. I have to admit—it isn’t easy. However, when we take a moment to slow the session down, we often begin to uncover something important. Many times, the couple is caught in a cycle that has been gradually developing over time. At first, the disagreements may seem small—misunderstandings about communication, differences in expectations, or moments when one partner feels unheard. But over time, these small moments can accumulate. Before long, small disagreements grow into larger arguments, resentment begins to build, patience wears thin, and one partner’s defensiveness can start to sound like an attempt to “win” rather than understand the other. What is fascinating about couples therapy is that the conflict we see in the room is often just the surface of something deeper. Beneath the frustration, anger, or distance, there are usually unmet needs, fears, and vulnerabilities. One partner may be longing to feel appreciated or prioritized. The other may be feeling criticized or inadequate. When these emotions go unspoken or misunderstood, couples often fall into patterns of blame, withdrawal, or defensiveness. These patterns are what therapists often refer to as cycles. One partner might pursue conversation while the other shuts down. The more one pushes, the more the other retreats. Over time, both partners begin to feel alone in the relationship, even though they may deeply care about one another. In these moments, the goal of couples therapy is not to determine who is right or wrong. Instead, the work focuses on helping the couple recognize the pattern they are caught in and understand how both partners are affected by it.  Slowing the conversation down is one of the most powerful tools in couples therapy. When couples are arguing at home, discussions can escalate quickly. Voices get louder, assumptions are made, and the original concern becomes buried beneath layers of hurt feelings. In therapy, we intentionally slow things down so that each partner has space to speak and, just as importantly, to be heard. Often, when one partner finally feels understood, the intensity of the conflict begins to soften. Another important part of couples therapy is helping partners shift from defending themselves to becoming curious about each other. Instead of reacting with “You always…” or “You never…,” couples can begin asking questions like, “What did that moment feel like for you?” or “What were you hoping for from me in that situation?” These small shifts in communication can open the door to empathy and reconnection. One of the most hopeful aspects of couples therapy is witnessing how quickly change can happen when partners begin to understand each other differently. When couples start to see the cycle they are caught in, they often realize that the problem is not necessarily each other—it is the pattern they have both been pulled into. This realization can create a sense of teamwork rather than opposition. Couples therapy is not about creating a “perfect” relationship. Every relationship will experience conflict, stress, and moments of disconnection. The goal is to help couples develop healthier ways of navigating those moments so that conflict becomes an opportunity for growth rather than a source of ongoing pain. Despite the challenges, couples therapy remains one of the most meaningful types of work I do. There is something powerful about watching two people move from frustration and misunderstanding toward empathy, clarity, and renewed connection. When couples begin to feel seen and heard again, the relationship often starts to feel like a place of safety rather than struggle.
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Gregoria Arreola-Meza, MS, LCMHCA, LPSC, NCCPsychotherapist Recall a time when you were expected to know how to do something without any prior knowledge. How did you feel? You may have felt confused, frustrated, or even hurt by the implication that you should have known something you didn’t. In my work with children in therapy, I continually challenge myself to understand that a child's approach to a situation is shaped by the skills they possess at that time. As adults, we may unconsciously label children's behaviors that do not align with our expectations as attention-seeking, mischievous, or overreacting to situations. We might think to ourselves, "Why would you think that was a good idea?" To challenge this perspective, I’d like to share an anonymous quote I once stumbled upon: "The sooner we let go of the expectation that children are capable of adult-like behavior, the easier it will be to tolerate their mistakes." I recognize how difficult it can be to understand why children do not always consider consequences before acting on their emotions. I invite you to reflect on the times when we, as adults, have struggled with this ourselves. It can indeed be challenging.  By removing the adult lens, we may realize that children are not seeking attention, but rather connection. They may not intend to be mischievous; instead, they might simply be struggling to use conflict-resolution skills they have never been taught. Additionally, what we perceive as overreactions may simply reflect a child’s current level of understanding. It would be unfair to expect someone to know something they are not familiar with. Through my work, I have learned that when a child shares their experiences with me, it is their way of expressing "I promise I am trying my best… with what I know.” By approaching their stories with curiosity, non-judgment, and empathy, I am able to create a space where trust and learning can begin. This may involve helping children identify positive versus negative choices, distinguish a positive consequence from a negative one, and express which emotions may arise when deciding one over the other. By striving to view a child's story through their eyes, I come to understand behavior as a cue for growing and learning rather than as attention-seeking, mischief, or an overreaction. How would you navigate a world that expects you to know it all if you never had a chance to learn it?
We all know the scenario hilariously played out on last Saturday’s SNL skit: you’re sitting around the thanksgiving dinner table when Aunt Cathy inevitably starts spouting off her doggedly absurd political views (insert eye roll) and it takes all you can muster not to reach across the table and strangle her. Well take heart: it need not come to this. Here are some tips to help you handle the annual holiday dinner without it swiftly turning into Battle Royale.1. Make a PlanThis isn’t your first rodeo. You know the deal: after a few glasses of wine Aunt Cathy won’t stop with her political rantings, which just so happen to entirely contradict your rational and wisely chosen political ideals. You feel your heart start beating fast and your face grow hot. What is she saying?! Take a deep breath and remember your plan. Many of us run the worst-case scenarios in our mind and brace ourselves for a nasty encounter. This can do more harm more than good as it raises anxiety. Try to reframe the scenario in your mind. Say, “This might be stressful, but I can handle it. I’ve been through worse!” Use “If-Then” statements. You know what to expect, so plan your response. “If Uncle Larry starts talking about the refugee issue I am going to calmly tell him ‘I understand you’re coming from but I have respectfully have an alternate viewpoint.’” Another example: “If Uncle Larry won’t let it go, I will excuse myself to the bathroom.” 2. Use Active ListeningWe all want to be heard. These issues are important to us, and rightfully so. When a family member makes a statement that disagrees with the core of your beliefs, it’s only natural to have a strong desire to assert your opposing view. And you can. But first, wait. Take a deep breath. And remember this: When people truly feel heard, they are in a much better place to listen to what you have to say. In other words, if you want Aunt Cathy to gain a shred of understanding toward your opposing viewpoint, you first must listen to her and make her feel heard. The next important thing to remember: You can listen to and understand an opinion without subscribing to it. It’s true. You can. And you should! The foundation for healthy communication is active listening. You won’t have time to teach a psychology class during Thanksgiving dinner but you can guide the table toward healthy communication by example.
Next, muster up your best empathy skills. In this situation it's going to be hard but you can do it! Of course, empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and imagine what things are like from their perspective. You’ve got to really divorce yourself from your own personal views for a moment (not forever, just for a few minutes!) and see things through Aunt Cathy's eyes. Convey this by summarizing what she’s just said, and authentically tell her how it is you understand what she’s saying. For example, you might say something like, “I can see how you feel that refugees shouldn’t be let into our country. It can be really scary to think that they might put our lives in direct danger. It sounds like you’re saying protection is really important to you. I can understand and appreciate that. I want to feel safe, too.” Ask her to explain anything you might not completely understand. (Remember, you don’t have to believe it to understand it!) This also shows the speaker that you care about what they have to say and want to know more. You could say, “Tell me more about your thoughts on __________ and why you think _____________.” You don’t have to go on forever. A little of this will go a long way in making stubborn Aunt Cathy feel heard and ultimately hear YOUR point of view. 3. Change the Subject You have a 0.01% chance of changing Aunt Cathy’s vote over turkey dinner by arguing with her. Studies have shown that it is rare for a person to change their political opinion through argument. So is it worth it? Depending on your relationship and energy level, sometimes it’s just not. In which case, change the subject. This doesn’t mean you have to agree. Be authentic. Say, “I hear what you’re saying, Aunt Cathy; I respectfully have a different view. To tell you the truth I’ve had so many of these difficult political conversations lately I just don’t have energy for another one right now if you don’t mind. I would really like to hear about your new job though. How is that going?” Chances are, she'll really want to talk about it. 4. Be KindThis goes without saying, but don’t belittle anyone for not agreeing with your views. Ultimately it does nothing more than solidify their view, hurt your relationship, and make you look bad. A little kindness can go a long way to help make the holidays positive. Remember, you don’t have to go home with this person, you just have to eat turkey with them for an hour. Be kind, and see number 5… 5. Give ThanksIt’s Thanksgiving, after all. When we are mindful of all we have to be thankful for, getting into arguments is less likely. So when you’re taking the trip to gather around the table with your loved ones this Thanksgiving, remember to be thankful, be kind, come prepared with a plan, use your active listening skills, and if necessary, deflect the conversation. …And if none of these suggestions end up working, you can always just break out the Adele!  Photo screenshot from SNL YouTube Channel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2zyjbH9zzA |
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© 2015-2026 Banyan Tree Counseling PLLC | Banyan Integrated Health PLLC | Banyan Tree Wellness LLC | All Rights Reserved.
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