Category: Empathy

If Your Body Parts Could Talk...

8/17/2020

If your body parts could talk, what would they say?

I've used this worksheet with my own children, with students I've taught, and with clients, both children and adults. Teaching kids to "tune in" to their bodies is an essential skill and doesn't always come naturally.

There are so many benefits to learning this skill! One is emotional regulation-- kids who can listen to their body have an easier time managing and coping with their feelings, especially the really big ones, like anger, disappointment, fear, frustration, guilt, sadness.. .

They feel more capable, confident, have a more secure sense of self.

They have less behavioral problems, better social skills with peers, more empathy and supportive relationships...

It's not just a skill for kids., Adults benefit in similar ways, too, with overall mental stability, positive sense of self, solid relationships, increased career satisfaction.

Take a moment today to tune inward,. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 7, and slowly release for 8. Then scan your body and really listen to what each body part is telling you. Maybe some are silent, while others are screaming!

That's ok, no judgement.

All you have to do is listen.

Click to download the PDF to use at home.

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How To Survive Thanksgiving Political Disputes (Without Strangling Aunt Cathy)

11/23/2015

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We all know the scenario hilariously played out on last Saturday’s SNL skit: you’re sitting around the thanksgiving dinner table when Aunt Cathy inevitably starts spouting off her doggedly absurd political views (insert eye roll) and it takes all you can muster not to reach across the table and strangle her. Well take heart: it need not come to this. Here are some tips to help you handle the annual holiday dinner without it swiftly turning into Battle Royale.

1. Make a Plan

This isn’t your first rodeo. You know the deal: after a few glasses of wine Aunt Cathy won’t stop with her political rantings, which just so happen to entirely contradict your rational and wisely chosen political ideals. You feel your heart start beating fast and your face grow hot. What is she saying?! Take a deep breath and remember your plan.

Many of us run the worst-case scenarios in our mind and brace ourselves for a nasty encounter. This can do more harm more than good as it raises anxiety. Try to reframe the scenario in your mind. Say, “This might be stressful, but I can handle it. I’ve been through worse!”

Use “If-Then” statements. You know what to expect, so plan your response. “If Uncle Larry starts talking about the refugee issue I am going to calmly tell him ‘I understand you’re coming from but I have respectfully have an alternate viewpoint.’” Another example: “If Uncle Larry won’t let it go, I will excuse myself to the bathroom.”

2. Use Active Listening

We all want to be heard. These issues are important to us, and rightfully so. When a family member makes a statement that disagrees with the core of your beliefs, it’s only natural to have a strong desire to assert your opposing view. And you can.

But first, wait. Take a deep breath. And remember this:

When people truly feel heard, they are in a much better place to listen to what you have to say.

In other words, if you want Aunt Cathy to gain a shred of understanding toward your opposing viewpoint, you first must listen to her and make her feel heard. The next important thing to remember:

You can listen to and understand an opinion without subscribing to it.

It’s true. You can. And you should! The foundation for healthy communication is active listening. You won’t have time to teach a psychology class during Thanksgiving dinner but you can guide the table toward healthy communication by example.

First, note your body language. Are your arms crossed or are they by your sides and relaxed? Make a mental note to do a quick body scan. Take deep breaths, relax your muscles, sit up straight, open your shoulders. Make eye contact, nod, and acknowledge you’re listening to what the other person is saying. Our brains subconsciously register aggressive body language in a split second and respond negatively without us even being aware. Positive body language = positive verbal interaction.

Next, muster up your best empathy skills. In this situation it's going to be hard but you can do it! Of course, empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and imagine what things are like from their perspective. You’ve got to really divorce yourself from your own personal views for a moment (not forever, just for a few minutes!) and see things through Aunt Cathy's eyes.

Convey this by summarizing what she’s just said, and authentically tell her how it is you understand what she’s saying. For example, you might say something like, “I can see how you feel that refugees shouldn’t be let into our country. It can be really scary to think that they might put our lives in direct danger. It sounds like you’re saying protection is really important to you. I can understand and appreciate that. I want to feel safe, too.”

Ask her to explain anything you might not completely understand. (Remember, you don’t have to believe it to understand it!) This also shows the speaker that you care about what they have to say and want to know more. You could say, “Tell me more about your thoughts on __________ and why you think _____________.” You don’t have to go on forever. A little of this will go a long way in making stubborn Aunt Cathy feel heard and ultimately hear YOUR point of view.

3. Change the Subject

You have a 0.01% chance of changing Aunt Cathy’s vote over turkey dinner by arguing with her. Studies have shown that it is rare for a person to change their political opinion through argument. So is it worth it?

Depending on your relationship and energy level, sometimes it’s just not. In which case, change the subject. This doesn’t mean you have to agree. Be authentic. Say, “I hear what you’re saying, Aunt Cathy; I respectfully have a different view. To tell you the truth I’ve had so many of these difficult political conversations lately I just don’t have energy for another one right now if you don’t mind. I would really like to hear about your new job though. How is that going?” Chances are, she'll really want to talk about it.

4. Be Kind

This goes without saying, but don’t belittle anyone for not agreeing with your views. Ultimately it does nothing more than solidify their view, hurt your relationship, and make you look bad. A little kindness can go a long way to help make the holidays positive. Remember, you don’t have to go home with this person, you just have to eat turkey with them for an hour. Be kind, and see number 5…

5. Give Thanks

It’s Thanksgiving, after all. When we are mindful of all we have to be thankful for, getting into arguments is less likely. So when you’re taking the trip to gather around the table with your loved ones this Thanksgiving, remember to be thankful, be kind, come prepared with a plan, use your active listening skills, and if necessary, deflect the conversation.

…And if none of these suggestions end up working, you can always just break out the Adele!

Photo screenshot from SNL YouTube Channel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2zyjbH9zzA

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The Importance of Teaching Children Empathy

11/9/2015

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Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It seems so simple, yet it is an essential (and often overlooked) skill children need to learn in order to develop into healthy adults. As parents, it’s not always in the forefront of our minds, and some may find it a bit odd to think they need to actually teach their child empathy. Doesn’t it just come naturally?

Yes and no. Children are born with the aptitude for empathy, but it needs to be taught and encouraged throughout their childhood. Research shows there is a clear correlation between the ability to empathize and future fulfillment and success. Making (and keeping) worthy friends, succeeding in school, attaining a gratifying career, maintaining a healthy marriage, all of these things rely on one critical skill: EMPATHY.

So how can we teach and nurture this key ability?
Here are three simple guidelines.

1. Make your parental expectations clear.

Consider the daily messages you send to your child. What does your child believe is your most important expectation? Making good grades? Being happy? Having fun? Although these things certainly have value, it is most important that children understand the significance of caring about others. Before dropping my daughter off at kindergarten each day, I remind her to do her best, to have courage, and to always look for ways to BE KIND to others. When she gets home from school I ask her to share how she showed kindness to others, then praise that behavior. Then I ask her to share about when she noticed others being kind to her, and we talk about being grateful for kindness. This is a vital part of teaching high moral and ethical expectations, and when reinforced daily, a child is well on her way to becoming a proficient empathizer.

2. Identify Feelings

It can be difficult (if not impossible) to practice empathy without understanding specific emotions and being able to identify them in others. Whenever possible, help your child put a name to his or her feelings. When he’s angry, you can say, “It seems like you are feeling really angry right now. It’s okay to feel angry. We all get angry sometimes.” If your son grabs a toy from his sister, you could say “Your sister is crying. It seems like she is sad that you took her toy. What could you do to help her feel better?”

Use books as opportunities to ask your child to identify emotions in the characters of the story. You can also make a game out of it; when you’re out on the playground, try sitting together on a bench and observing others awhile. Pick a person and have your child try to guess what he/she is feeling, and why. Take turns. For instance, “See that little girl standing at the top of the slide? She looks like she doesn’t want to go down. Maybe she is feeling afraid. What do you think?” Sesame Street has a great segment called “Name That Emotion.” Check it out. Watch it with your kids!

3. Be a Role Model

You’ve heard it before but it’s worth repeating: your kids are constantly watching you and learning how to behave by your actions. Even when you think they don’t notice, they are observing your every move. Ask yourself how you are practicing empathy and compassion in your daily life? Take your child to volunteer at a charitable organization. Explain that some families struggle to have enough to eat, and some children don’t have many toys. Encourage your child to give to others less fortunate and emphasize the feelings that accompany giving (joy, pride, worth) as well as receiving (grateful, happy, etc).

Don't be afraid to show your child your emotions—even the negative ones. We all get angry. We try to stay in control, but don’t beat yourself up if you lose your temper and yell at your child every once and awhile. Everyone makes mistakes! What’s important is showing your child that you’re a real person who sometimes gets angry, makes mistakes, and is able to apologize for them. That leads to an excellent opportunity to role-model how to give a sincere apology, which is also an important skill (unfortunately with which many adults still struggle-- save that for another post!)

I’ve had many parents ask me if it’s okay for their children to see them cry, or if it’s appropriate for them to attend a family member’s funeral. The answer is yes, it’s fine. Most often it can ultimately be a positive experience. Be honest and authentic with your child. In kid terms, share with him why you’re sad and the different emotions you may be feeling. Share with him what helps to get you through difficult and sad times. These are all teaching opportunities that will not only help him learn empathy and coping skills, but will also foster insight, courage, authenticity and trust.

As a therapist, I have seen many children and adolescents with academic problems, school and family conflict, aggression, anxiety, depression and more because they haven’t been routinely taught the skills to learn empathy. With the influx in bullying and violence beginning earlier now than ever, it’s time that we as parents make teaching empathy a priority. By making your parental expectations clear, teaching to identify feelings, and consistently monitoring your own behaviors as a role model, you can make a lasting positive change throughout the world. It starts with you. It starts with our children.

Chantal D. Hayes, MA, LCMHC
Licensed Clinical Therapist

References:

Dewar, Gwen, Ph.D. (2009-2014). Teaching empathy: Evidence-based tips for fostering empathy in children. http://www.parentingscience.com/teaching-empathy-tips.html#sthash.HsaVK1hh.dpuf

Joyce, Amy. (July 18, 2014) Are you raising nice kids? A Harvard psychologist gives 5 ways to raise them to be kind. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/07/18/are-you-raising-nice-kids-a-harvard-psychologist-gives-5-ways-to-raise-them-to-be-kind/

Lahey, Jessica. (September 4, 2014.) Teaching Children Empathy. http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/09/04/teaching-children-empathy/?_r=0

VanClay, Mary. (2008). The caring child: How to teach empathy. http://www.babycenter.com/0_the-caring-child-how-to-teach-empathy_67146.bc

Weissbourd, Richard, and Jones, Stephanie. How Parents Can Cultivate Empathy in Children. Harvard Graduate School of Education. http://sites.gse.harvard.edu/sites/default/files/making-caring-common/files/empathy.pdf

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If Your Body Parts Could Talk...

If your body parts could talk, what would they say?

How To Survive Thanksgiving Political Disputes (Without Strangling Aunt Cathy)

1. Make a Plan

2. Use Active Listening

3. Change the Subject

4. Be Kind

5. Give Thanks

The Importance of Teaching Children Empathy

So how can we teach and nurture this key ability?
Here are three simple guidelines.

1. Make your parental expectations clear.

2. Identify Feelings

3. Be a Role Model

Banyan Tree Counseling & Wellness

Categories

Individual Counseling • Psychiatric Services • Medication Management • Nutrition counseling
COUPLES & FAMILIES • CHILDREN & TEENS • EDUCATIONAL ADVOCACY

If Your Body Parts Could Talk...

If your body parts could talk, what would they say?

How To Survive Thanksgiving Political Disputes (Without Strangling Aunt Cathy)

1. Make a Plan

2. Use Active Listening

3. Change the Subject

4. Be Kind

5. Give Thanks

The Importance of Teaching Children Empathy

​So how can we teach and nurture this key ability?​Here are three simple guidelines.​

​1. Make your parental expectations clear.

2. Identify Feelings

3. Be a Role Model

Banyan Tree Counseling & Wellness

Categories

Individual Counseling • Psychiatric Services • Medication Management • Nutrition counseling COUPLES & FAMILIES • CHILDREN & TEENS • EDUCATIONAL ADVOCACY

So how can we teach and nurture this key ability?
Here are three simple guidelines.

1. Make your parental expectations clear.

Individual Counseling • Psychiatric Services • Medication Management • Nutrition counseling
COUPLES & FAMILIES • CHILDREN & TEENS • EDUCATIONAL ADVOCACY