In marriage, losing is letting go of the need to fix everything for your partner, listening to their darkest parts with a heartache rather than a solution.

It’s being even more present in the painful moments than in the good times.

It’s finding ways to be humble and open, even when everything in you says that you’re right and they are wrong.

It’s doing what is right and good for your spouse, even when big things need to be sacrificed, like a job, or a relationship, or an ego.

It is forgiveness, quickly and voluntarily.

It is eliminating anything from your life—even the things you love—if they are keeping you from attending, caring, and serving.

It is seeking peace by accepting the healthy but crazy-making things about your partner because, you remember, those were the things you fell in love with in the first place.

It is knowing that your spouse will never fully understand you, will never truly love you unconditionally—because they are a broken creature, too—and loving them to the end anyway. 

From "The Marriage Manifesto" by Kelly Flanagan, Ph.D. 
Download the free e-book here (I highly recommend it!) 

What would happen if you already are?

A few days ago a friend asked me what I would do if I won the 1.5 billon dollar Powerball lottery. After thinking about it awhile, I realized that I wouldn't change much. 

I know what you're thinking: "Yeah right!" I get it. OK, so I sure would like to buy a huge jet, a fancy yacht, take some fabulous vacation and buy all my friends and family expensive gifts. Thinking about all that sounds ridiculously exciting and fun!

But to be completely honest, not much in my life would change.

I love my life. I'm not saying this because it sounds good; I'm saying it because it's true. I love my children, my husband. I love my home. I love my family and my friends.

My friend then asked, "Would you quit your job?"

And my answer was no. (Although, I might buy a larger office. Maybe even the whole building!?) The truth is, I love my job. I love being in private practice and being my own boss. I love having control over every single thing that goes into my business, right down to the color of the kleenex box. Hah!

What I really love most is having the opportunity to help others dive into themselves, find out who they really are, gain insight into their inner psyche and ultimately live happier lives. I love that I get to travel a unique journey with each client: sharing in pain, joy, frustration, excitement, grief, sorrow, fear, anger, everything. I am grateful to know these individuals who are brave enough to share the intimate details of their lives with me. I am blessed to see firsthand the strength and tenacity of the human spirit. I think, ultimately, I have learned far more from my clients than they have learned from me. I am always changing, a little bit better than the day before, every time I step into my office. And for all this, I could not be more grateful. 

It is a privilege, this job. 

But as you can imagine, it's not always easy. In fact, it is rarely easy. It is mentally and emotionally challenging work. The 12 hour work day I put in yesterday was exhausting, to be honest. I'll admit I complained about how tired I was when I got home last night.

But would I walk away if I won a billion dollars? Absolutely not.

Nothing good comes easy. Life is inherently difficult, no matter how much money you have. But with a purpose and a passion, we can find true joy.

We can find true joy.

What would you do if you won the lottery? How would your life change? If your immediate response is "everything," that your entire life would change if you won, then I ask you: why? What is wrong with your life now? Let's take a deeper look. What needs to change? Why are you waiting for a billion dollars that you most likely will never win? 

Lack of personal fulfillment equals unhappiness. This begs the big questions: What is my purpose? What do I love about life? What makes me truly come alive?  Right now, you can start making steps to living a life that aligns more congruently with your answers. 

The old idiom is true: winning the lottery sure can buy a whole lot of things, but the best things in life it will never provide: self-love, fulfillment, and joy. And if you have found those, my friends, then you are winning BIG.
​

​Your child may report that he or she just played and did artwork. This does NOT mean that the therapy session was simply “play-time.” While play therapy is fun for the child involved, it also involves “work.” However, the work isn’t like schoolwork. They use the toys to process and work through whatever it is they are struggling with utilizing symbolism, metaphors and analogies to express themselves accurately. A child might use an egg to represent feeling breakable, dragons may represent their anger (or an annoying sibling), and fences or barriers may be a child’s way of feeling trapped or contained. Toys give children the freedom to express themselves in a way that makes sense to them when words just don’t seem to fit right. Play Therapy uses this form of expression to facilitate such things as healing, growth, and development.

Therapy with children does not work overnight. One of the most important aspects of play therapy is the relationship between the child and therapist. Like any therapeutic relationship, trust, safety and security are vital. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, a sense of safety and security is second only to food and shelter. Therefore, when children enter the play therapy room, they won’t find a counselor sitting in a grown up chair looking down at them asking questions, like most other adults they know. Instead, they will see their counselor on the floor with toys and objects that speak their language. Rather than being told what to do and given a lot of rules to follow, they will be given the freedom to explore and decide how they want to spend their time. The first few play sessions with a child center around building trust and safety rather than jumping straight to the problem at hand. Once the rapport is built however, a child feels safe enough to begin diving into what has brought him/her to therapy. Then the next phase of therapy begins.

Please do not ask your child what he did during a play therapy session.  He will offer the information he wants you to know.  Most of the therapeutic process is subconscious, and it may confuse your child by asking probing questions. The purpose of play therapy, especially with younger children, is not to expect the child to verbalize the therapeutic process, but instead for you to see decreased symptoms and improved functioning in significant areas of his or her life over time.

​Your therapist will come to meet you and your child in the waiting room, then take the child into the therapy room. Please do not update your therapist about your child in the waiting room with your child present. It is important that your child feel like the therapy time is his or hers. However, it is appropriate for you to leave me a confidential voicemail, send an email, or hand me a brief note at the beginning of session describing concerns, improvements, etc. If you begin to tell me an update, I will kindly remind you that the therapy time is for your child and that we can schedule a time to meet individually. ​Depending on the case, I usually meet with parents individually and/or with the child around every 4th session or so. Please let me know if something has come up and we can schedule a session before that. 

Children often come into play therapy defeated, confused, overwhelmed, and feeling as though their world is out of control. However, once a child enters play therapy and realizes that it is a world they can understand and communicate in, they often visibly relax. Allowing children this freedom to explore what is bothering them is healing in and of itself. Children heal from a nasty divorce, learn to calm themselves before they explode into a temper tantrum, and develop a high level of confidence to overcome struggles with anxiety, depression, or bullying. They move from self-loathing to self-acceptance and high self-esteem. That is the power of play.

This isn’t your first rodeo. You know the deal: after a few glasses of wine Aunt Cathy won’t stop with her political rantings, which just so happen to entirely contradict your rational and wisely chosen political ideals. You feel your heart start beating fast and your face grow hot. What is she saying?! Take a deep breath and remember your plan.
 
Many of us run the worst-case scenarios in our mind and brace ourselves for a nasty encounter. This can do more harm more than good as it raises anxiety. Try to reframe the scenario in your mind. Say, “This might be stressful, but I can handle it. I’ve been through worse!”
 
Use “If-Then” statements. You know what to expect, so plan your response. “If Uncle Larry starts talking about the refugee issue I am going to calmly tell him ‘I understand you’re coming from but I have respectfully have an alternate viewpoint.’” Another example: “If Uncle Larry won’t let it go, I will excuse myself to the bathroom.” 

​We all want to be heard. These issues are important to us, and rightfully so. When a family member makes a statement that disagrees with the core of your beliefs, it’s only natural to have a strong desire to assert your opposing view. And you can.
 
But first, wait. Take a deep breath. And remember this:
 
When people truly feel heard, they are in a much better place to listen to what you have to say.
 
In other words, if you want Aunt Cathy to gain a shred of understanding toward your opposing viewpoint, you first must listen to her and make her feel heard. The next important thing to remember:
 
You can listen to and understand an opinion without subscribing to it.
 
It’s true. You can. And you should! The foundation for healthy communication is active listening. You won’t have time to teach a psychology class during Thanksgiving dinner but you can guide the table toward healthy communication by example.

​ You have a 0.01% chance of changing Aunt Cathy’s vote over turkey dinner by arguing with her. Studies have shown that it is rare for a person to change their political opinion through argument. So is it worth it?
 
Depending on your relationship and energy level, sometimes it’s just not. In which case, change the subject. This doesn’t mean you have to agree. Be authentic. Say, “I hear what you’re saying, Aunt Cathy; I respectfully have a different view. To tell you the truth I’ve had so many of these difficult political conversations lately I just don’t have energy for another one right now if you don’t mind. I would really like to hear about your new job though. How is that going?” Chances are, she'll really want to talk about it.

​This goes without saying, but don’t belittle anyone for not agreeing with your views. Ultimately it does nothing more than solidify their view, hurt your relationship, and make you look bad. A little kindness can go a long way to help make the holidays positive. Remember, you don’t have to go home with this person, you just have to eat turkey with them for an hour. Be kind, and see number 5…  

​It’s Thanksgiving, after all. When we are mindful of all we have to be thankful for, getting into arguments is less likely. So when you’re taking the trip to gather around the table with your loved ones this Thanksgiving, remember to be thankful, be kind, come prepared with a plan, use your active listening skills, and if necessary, deflect the conversation.
 
…And if none of these suggestions end up working, you can always just break out the Adele!

​Consider the daily messages you send to your child. What does your child believe is your most important expectation? Making good grades? Being happy? Having fun? Although these things certainly have value, it is most important that children understand the significance of caring about others. Before dropping my daughter off at kindergarten each day, I remind her to do her best, to have courage, and to always look for ways to BE KIND to others. When she gets home from school I ask her to share how she showed kindness to others, then praise that behavior. Then I ask her to share about when she noticed others being kind to her, and we talk about being grateful for kindness. This is a vital part of teaching high moral and ethical expectations, and when reinforced daily, a child is well on her way to becoming a proficient empathizer. 

​It can be difficult (if not impossible) to practice empathy without understanding specific emotions and being able to identify them in others. Whenever possible, help your child put a name to his or her feelings. When he’s angry, you can say, “It seems like you are feeling really angry right now. It’s okay to feel angry. We all get angry sometimes.” If your son grabs a toy from his sister, you could say “Your sister is crying. It seems like she is sad that you took her toy. What could you do to help her feel better?”

Use books as opportunities to ask your child to identify emotions in the characters of the story. You can also make a game out of it; when you’re out on the playground, try sitting together on a bench and observing others awhile. Pick a person and have your child try to guess what he/she is feeling, and why. Take turns. For instance, “See that little girl standing at the top of the slide? She looks like she doesn’t want to go down. Maybe she is feeling afraid. What do you think?” Sesame Street has a great segment called “Name That Emotion.” Check it out. Watch it with your kids!

​You’ve heard it before but it’s worth repeating: your kids are constantly watching you and learning how to behave by your actions. Even when you think they don’t notice, they are observing your every move. Ask yourself how you are practicing empathy and compassion in your daily life? Take your child to volunteer at a charitable organization. Explain that some families struggle to have enough to eat, and some children don’t have many toys. Encourage your child to give to others less fortunate and emphasize the feelings that accompany giving (joy, pride, worth) as well as receiving (grateful, happy, etc). 

​Don't be afraid to show your child your emotions—even the negative ones. We all get angry. We try to stay in control, but don’t beat yourself up if you lose your temper and yell at your child every once and awhile. Everyone makes mistakes! What’s important is showing your child that you’re a real person who sometimes gets angry, makes mistakes, and is able to apologize for them. That leads to an excellent opportunity to role-model how to give a sincere apology, which is also an important skill (unfortunately with which many adults still struggle-- save that for another post!)

​I’ve had many parents ask me if it’s okay for their children to see them cry, or if it’s appropriate for them to attend a family member’s funeral. The answer is yes, it’s fine. Most often it can ultimately be a positive experience. Be honest and authentic with your child. In kid terms, share with him why you’re sad and the different emotions you may be feeling. Share with him what helps to get you through difficult and sad times. These are all teaching opportunities that will not only help him learn empathy and coping skills, but will also foster insight, courage, authenticity and trust.

​As a therapist, I have seen many children and adolescents with academic problems, school and family conflict, aggression, anxiety, depression and more because they haven’t been routinely taught the skills to learn empathy. With the influx in bullying and violence beginning earlier now than ever, it’s time that we as parents make teaching empathy a priority. By making your parental expectations clear, teaching to identify feelings, and consistently monitoring your own behaviors as a role model, you can make a lasting positive change throughout the world. It starts with you. It starts with our children. 

​Chantal D. Hayes, MA, LCMHC
Licensed Clinical Therapist

References:
 
Dewar, Gwen, Ph.D. (2009-2014). Teaching empathy: Evidence-based tips for fostering empathy in children. http://www.parentingscience.com/teaching-empathy-tips.html#sthash.HsaVK1hh.dpuf
 
Joyce, Amy. (July 18, 2014) Are you raising nice kids? A Harvard psychologist gives 5 ways to raise them to be kind. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/07/18/are-you-raising-nice-kids-a-harvard-psychologist-gives-5-ways-to-raise-them-to-be-kind/
 
Lahey, Jessica. (September 4, 2014.) Teaching Children Empathy. http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/09/04/teaching-children-empathy/?_r=0
 
VanClay, Mary. (2008). The caring child: How to teach empathy. http://www.babycenter.com/0_the-caring-child-how-to-teach-empathy_67146.bc
 
Weissbourd, Richard, and Jones, Stephanie. How Parents Can Cultivate Empathy in Children. Harvard Graduate School of Education. http://sites.gse.harvard.edu/sites/default/files/making-caring-common/files/empathy.pdf

​1.  From the time your child is born, give him everything he wants. Make sure he thinks the world owes him something for being alive. 

2.  Just "let it go" when he hurts you or others. It can also be helpful to laugh and make him think it's cute.

3.  Never give her any spiritual or moral guidance. Let her decide all that on her own.

4.  Avoid using the word "wrong." It may give your child a guilt complex. Later on, when she's been arrested, she will believe everyone is against her and out to get her.
​ 
5.  Always pick up after him and keep up with all his belongings. He doesn't need to learn responsibility or respect for property.

6.  Take your child's side against every teacher, friend, adult, police officer, relative. Make excuses for everything he does. Let him know they are all prejudiced against him, and that he hasn't done anything wrong. 

7.  Argue in front of your child so she won't be surprised if your marriage falls apart. 

8.  Never allow your child to earn his own money or gain privileges by working for it. Just fork over whatever he wants without him having to practice good behavior.

9.  Don't set boundaries. Let her eat and drink whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. It's much easier to let her do everything she wants to do anyway.

10.  Let him watch violent and/or scary movies. Don't monitor what he does on the internet or watches on TV.

11.  Don't set limits on screen time. There is no need to encourage reading, completing school work, or spending time outside.

12.  Prepare yourself for a life of grief. But you can always comfort yourself by knowing you did the best you could!

What exactly is anxiety? If you’ve ever heard of the “fight or flight” response then you’re halfway there. Imagine you’re alone walking through the woods and suddenly come face to face with a bear. Your heart starts pounding fast, your muscles tense, and your senses become intensely alert. For a split second you're paralyzed with fear. You must make a decision: defend yourself or run.

This is the fight-or-flight response.
 
And it's a completely normal reaction (we humans wouldn't be here without it.) Hundreds of years ago, when we were faced with a physical danger on a daily basis, it was a very important and well-needed response (for instance, to keep ourselves from getting mauled by a bear). In today’s world, most of our dangers are not physical. They’re psychological. And they can’t always be addressed the moment they come up. The longer our fight-or-flight response remains active, the more physically and emotionally drained we become.

​Long ago when there was an imminent physical threat, it usually passed quickly and our fight-or-flight response was deactivated. In our world, since there are so many potential psychological endangerments, sometimes the fight-or-flight response never really gets turned off. This is when a child may begin to see the world as a fearful place. They are stuck in “survival mode.” Not a fun place to be.

​Many parents believe that talking about anxiety will make their child even more anxious. The reality is, providing your child with information about anxiety can help reduce his or her confusion or shame. Understanding what causes anxiety can help children to overcome it. Use "kid terms" to help explain the fight-or-flight response. Discuss why it was helpful back then, how it can be helpful now, and how it can be equally detrimental. Helping kids understand that feeling afraid isn't the same as actually being in a dangerous situation is empowering and can help them feel more in control. 

​Always validate and show acceptance of your child’s worried thoughts and anxious feelings. Make sure your child knows you truly believe what they are saying and that having those scared/worried/anxious feelings is okay. Share some things you were anxious about as a child, and then ask them what their biggest worries are. If they don’t want to talk right away, give them ample opportunities to open up with you through play or downtime during their favorite relaxing or fun activities. 

​Anxiety manifests physically. Ask your child to show you where in their body anxiety occurs, and where it feels the worst. It can be helpful to have your child name their anxiety. For instance, a child could call his anxiety “Mr. Worry Monster” and learn to talk to that anxiety as if it were a person and tell him to go away when not welcome: “Mr. Worry Monster is back this morning, Mom, but since it’s time for school I’m not listening to him. I told him to go away!” Once kids are less afraid, it becomes easier to approach events and situations that have been previously avoided.

​Many children have little time to just “be.” They are easily distracted and tired, juggling school, family, community activities, sports, etc. Sometimes it can just be too much. By practicing mindfulness, kids learn to hit the “pause” button and become aware of how they are thinking and feeling in the present.  There are countless studies showing the benefits of mindfulness and it’s positive effects on our physical and emotional well-being, for both children and adults.​
​ 
One basic exercise I use with my clients is called “Balloon Breaths.” I ask the child to pretend there is a balloon in his belly. Ask him to place his hands on his belly and breathe in slowly in through his nose to fill his lungs all the way up. Meanwhile, blow up the balloon to demonstrate how the “balloon in the belly” gets fully expanded. Next, ask your child to open his mouth and slowly blow all of the air back out, letting his belly sink down flat, as you slowly let air out and deflate the balloon. Some of my clients even carry a little deflated balloon around with them, in their pocket or backpack, as a simple reminder to take “balloon breaths” when they feel anxious thoughts and feelings coming on. By learning a few techniques like this, your child can be well on his or her way to overcoming anxiety. 

​Your child constantly observes and emulates your behavior. Your actions lay the foundation from which your is child building his own beliefs and understanding about the world. If you shy away from discussing mental health, so will your child. If you are open and accepting of your own anxieties and how to deal with them, then so will be your child. If you take time to make sure your emotional and physical needs are met, your child will learn that self-care is an important part of life. 
 
Overcoming anxiety can be a long road, but it can be done. With the consistent practice of mindfulness and other anxiety-reduction techniques, as well as practicing good self-care, keeping a positive attitude, your child can learn how to lower his or her anxiety level. Making an appointment with a local child therapist is often the most important first step. He or she can help facilitate this course with the family, and is often an invaluable teacher and guide in the process. 

Resources:
 
Banyan Tree Counseling: http://www.banyantreecounseling.com
 
Anxiety & Depression Association of America: http://www.adaa.org/
 
Child Mind Institute: http://www.childmind.org/
 
Worry Wise Kids: http://www.worrywisekids.org/
 
The Anxiety Disorders Association of British Columbia: http://www.anxietybc.com
 
KidsHealth: http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/anxiety.html

Some photos of Banyan Tree Counseling's space: Suite 203, 1348 Westgate Center Dr. Winston Salem, NC 27103. There is lots of growing, healing, thriving, playing, and difficult yet joyful work happening in this sacred space... Come join us!