Throughout my adult years I have developed fairly passionate political views. Yet, I refuse to be so presumptuous as to think that those views will never change. As a psychotherapist, I want to share a few words from my humble point of view that may be of help during this time of political unrest and frustration.

Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. We could all stand to hone our empathy skills right about now. 

What can it hurt to step outside of your own personal (insert presidential candidate here) viewbox for a moment and delve into understanding the reasons why others may be supporting a candidate other than the one you do? One of the reasons I refrain from unfriending folks who share posts on Facebook/social media that I don't agree with right off the bat (even though it often makes me REALLY uncomfortable and even downright ANGRY to see these posts I disagree with so passionately), is because attempting to understand them will ultimately make us better, more educated, kind, loving, and joyful people.

​Perhaps this personality trait to understand is one of the things that has propelled me toward my profession in psychology; I always held a strong desire to understand the hows and whys of what people around the world think and feel. And throughout all these years, what I've learned is simple: with all of our differences, we're all pretty much the same when you get down to it. You can learn this, too. 

I get it-- it's scary to step outside of your comfort zone once you've made your mind up about something, to try and understand an opposing viewpoint can seem downright brutal. I know it feels like you're betraying yourself, your morals, ethics, and even your religion or family. 

I want to tell you something we all need to be reminded of: IT'S NOT. Educating yourself about things you do not currently believe is one of the most healthy and positive things you can do for yourself. Notice I said for yourself. Don't do it for your friends, your family, your spouse. Do it for you. Because YOU are the one who will benefit from this newfound way of looking at the world. You will grow. You will become a more loving and happy person. 

I know these things because, for one, when I do this, I am happier for it. When I don't, I'm not. I've spent most of my adult life studying the way people think in higher institutions, enveloped in the field of psychology by respected scholars, researchers, and clinical practitioners. Trust me on this for a moment-- it WILL help you grow and change into a better person. And if you don't believe me, do your own research. I encourage it.

Have you ever been faced with a truth about yourself from someone you love and it really ticks you off? After awhile you think about it and realize that perhaps there is some truth to it? One of the reasons we balk at opposing sides is because if we really open up and try to understand a different point of view, we are forced to take a good look at ourselves, too. Our believe system can be challenged, everything we've built our lives on. That can be pretty scary (an understatement!). But listen, in a nutshell, I'm here to tell you that it's okay to be scared. Don't fight against your fear; it is there for a purpose. You can, however, be curious about it. Where does this fear come from? What does it say about me? What would happen if this fear one day came to fruition? What are all the things I do and believe every day that keep me from feeling this fear? 

We can't choose our feelings, but we can choose how we respond to them. One choice leads to a life of closed-mindedness, anger, frustration, sadness, and more fear. The other opens the door to a whole new world of possibilities, freedom, and joy. It may be painful at first, but the rewards are immense. The choice is yours. 

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." -Aristotle 

In marriage, losing is letting go of the need to fix everything for your partner, listening to their darkest parts with a heartache rather than a solution.

It’s being even more present in the painful moments than in the good times.

It’s finding ways to be humble and open, even when everything in you says that you’re right and they are wrong.

It’s doing what is right and good for your spouse, even when big things need to be sacrificed, like a job, or a relationship, or an ego.

It is forgiveness, quickly and voluntarily.

It is eliminating anything from your life—even the things you love—if they are keeping you from attending, caring, and serving.

It is seeking peace by accepting the healthy but crazy-making things about your partner because, you remember, those were the things you fell in love with in the first place.

It is knowing that your spouse will never fully understand you, will never truly love you unconditionally—because they are a broken creature, too—and loving them to the end anyway. 

From "The Marriage Manifesto" by Kelly Flanagan, Ph.D. 
Download the free e-book here (I highly recommend it!) 

What would happen if you already are?

A few days ago a friend asked me what I would do if I won the 1.5 billon dollar Powerball lottery. After thinking about it awhile, I realized that I wouldn't change much. 

I know what you're thinking: "Yeah right!" I get it. OK, so I sure would like to buy a huge jet, a fancy yacht, take some fabulous vacation and buy all my friends and family expensive gifts. Thinking about all that sounds ridiculously exciting and fun!

But to be completely honest, not much in my life would change.

I love my life. I'm not saying this because it sounds good; I'm saying it because it's true. I love my children, my husband. I love my home. I love my family and my friends.

My friend then asked, "Would you quit your job?"

And my answer was no. (Although, I might buy a larger office. Maybe even the whole building!?) The truth is, I love my job. I love being in private practice and being my own boss. I love having control over every single thing that goes into my business, right down to the color of the kleenex box. Hah!

What I really love most is having the opportunity to help others dive into themselves, find out who they really are, gain insight into their inner psyche and ultimately live happier lives. I love that I get to travel a unique journey with each client: sharing in pain, joy, frustration, excitement, grief, sorrow, fear, anger, everything. I am grateful to know these individuals who are brave enough to share the intimate details of their lives with me. I am blessed to see firsthand the strength and tenacity of the human spirit. I think, ultimately, I have learned far more from my clients than they have learned from me. I am always changing, a little bit better than the day before, every time I step into my office. And for all this, I could not be more grateful. 

It is a privilege, this job. 

But as you can imagine, it's not always easy. In fact, it is rarely easy. It is mentally and emotionally challenging work. The 12 hour work day I put in yesterday was exhausting, to be honest. I'll admit I complained about how tired I was when I got home last night.

But would I walk away if I won a billion dollars? Absolutely not.

Nothing good comes easy. Life is inherently difficult, no matter how much money you have. But with a purpose and a passion, we can find true joy.

We can find true joy.

What would you do if you won the lottery? How would your life change? If your immediate response is "everything," that your entire life would change if you won, then I ask you: why? What is wrong with your life now? Let's take a deeper look. What needs to change? Why are you waiting for a billion dollars that you most likely will never win? 

Lack of personal fulfillment equals unhappiness. This begs the big questions: What is my purpose? What do I love about life? What makes me truly come alive?  Right now, you can start making steps to living a life that aligns more congruently with your answers. 

The old idiom is true: winning the lottery sure can buy a whole lot of things, but the best things in life it will never provide: self-love, fulfillment, and joy. And if you have found those, my friends, then you are winning BIG.
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​Your child may report that he or she just played and did artwork. This does NOT mean that the therapy session was simply “play-time.” While play therapy is fun for the child involved, it also involves “work.” However, the work isn’t like schoolwork. They use the toys to process and work through whatever it is they are struggling with utilizing symbolism, metaphors and analogies to express themselves accurately. A child might use an egg to represent feeling breakable, dragons may represent their anger (or an annoying sibling), and fences or barriers may be a child’s way of feeling trapped or contained. Toys give children the freedom to express themselves in a way that makes sense to them when words just don’t seem to fit right. Play Therapy uses this form of expression to facilitate such things as healing, growth, and development.

Therapy with children does not work overnight. One of the most important aspects of play therapy is the relationship between the child and therapist. Like any therapeutic relationship, trust, safety and security are vital. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, a sense of safety and security is second only to food and shelter. Therefore, when children enter the play therapy room, they won’t find a counselor sitting in a grown up chair looking down at them asking questions, like most other adults they know. Instead, they will see their counselor on the floor with toys and objects that speak their language. Rather than being told what to do and given a lot of rules to follow, they will be given the freedom to explore and decide how they want to spend their time. The first few play sessions with a child center around building trust and safety rather than jumping straight to the problem at hand. Once the rapport is built however, a child feels safe enough to begin diving into what has brought him/her to therapy. Then the next phase of therapy begins.

Please do not ask your child what he did during a play therapy session.  He will offer the information he wants you to know.  Most of the therapeutic process is subconscious, and it may confuse your child by asking probing questions. The purpose of play therapy, especially with younger children, is not to expect the child to verbalize the therapeutic process, but instead for you to see decreased symptoms and improved functioning in significant areas of his or her life over time.

​Your therapist will come to meet you and your child in the waiting room, then take the child into the therapy room. Please do not update your therapist about your child in the waiting room with your child present. It is important that your child feel like the therapy time is his or hers. However, it is appropriate for you to leave me a confidential voicemail, send an email, or hand me a brief note at the beginning of session describing concerns, improvements, etc. If you begin to tell me an update, I will kindly remind you that the therapy time is for your child and that we can schedule a time to meet individually. ​Depending on the case, I usually meet with parents individually and/or with the child around every 4th session or so. Please let me know if something has come up and we can schedule a session before that. 

Children often come into play therapy defeated, confused, overwhelmed, and feeling as though their world is out of control. However, once a child enters play therapy and realizes that it is a world they can understand and communicate in, they often visibly relax. Allowing children this freedom to explore what is bothering them is healing in and of itself. Children heal from a nasty divorce, learn to calm themselves before they explode into a temper tantrum, and develop a high level of confidence to overcome struggles with anxiety, depression, or bullying. They move from self-loathing to self-acceptance and high self-esteem. That is the power of play.

This isn’t your first rodeo. You know the deal: after a few glasses of wine Aunt Cathy won’t stop with her political rantings, which just so happen to entirely contradict your rational and wisely chosen political ideals. You feel your heart start beating fast and your face grow hot. What is she saying?! Take a deep breath and remember your plan.
 
Many of us run the worst-case scenarios in our mind and brace ourselves for a nasty encounter. This can do more harm more than good as it raises anxiety. Try to reframe the scenario in your mind. Say, “This might be stressful, but I can handle it. I’ve been through worse!”
 
Use “If-Then” statements. You know what to expect, so plan your response. “If Uncle Larry starts talking about the refugee issue I am going to calmly tell him ‘I understand you’re coming from but I have respectfully have an alternate viewpoint.’” Another example: “If Uncle Larry won’t let it go, I will excuse myself to the bathroom.” 

​We all want to be heard. These issues are important to us, and rightfully so. When a family member makes a statement that disagrees with the core of your beliefs, it’s only natural to have a strong desire to assert your opposing view. And you can.
 
But first, wait. Take a deep breath. And remember this:
 
When people truly feel heard, they are in a much better place to listen to what you have to say.
 
In other words, if you want Aunt Cathy to gain a shred of understanding toward your opposing viewpoint, you first must listen to her and make her feel heard. The next important thing to remember:
 
You can listen to and understand an opinion without subscribing to it.
 
It’s true. You can. And you should! The foundation for healthy communication is active listening. You won’t have time to teach a psychology class during Thanksgiving dinner but you can guide the table toward healthy communication by example.

​ You have a 0.01% chance of changing Aunt Cathy’s vote over turkey dinner by arguing with her. Studies have shown that it is rare for a person to change their political opinion through argument. So is it worth it?
 
Depending on your relationship and energy level, sometimes it’s just not. In which case, change the subject. This doesn’t mean you have to agree. Be authentic. Say, “I hear what you’re saying, Aunt Cathy; I respectfully have a different view. To tell you the truth I’ve had so many of these difficult political conversations lately I just don’t have energy for another one right now if you don’t mind. I would really like to hear about your new job though. How is that going?” Chances are, she'll really want to talk about it.

​This goes without saying, but don’t belittle anyone for not agreeing with your views. Ultimately it does nothing more than solidify their view, hurt your relationship, and make you look bad. A little kindness can go a long way to help make the holidays positive. Remember, you don’t have to go home with this person, you just have to eat turkey with them for an hour. Be kind, and see number 5…  

​It’s Thanksgiving, after all. When we are mindful of all we have to be thankful for, getting into arguments is less likely. So when you’re taking the trip to gather around the table with your loved ones this Thanksgiving, remember to be thankful, be kind, come prepared with a plan, use your active listening skills, and if necessary, deflect the conversation.
 
…And if none of these suggestions end up working, you can always just break out the Adele!

​Consider the daily messages you send to your child. What does your child believe is your most important expectation? Making good grades? Being happy? Having fun? Although these things certainly have value, it is most important that children understand the significance of caring about others. Before dropping my daughter off at kindergarten each day, I remind her to do her best, to have courage, and to always look for ways to BE KIND to others. When she gets home from school I ask her to share how she showed kindness to others, then praise that behavior. Then I ask her to share about when she noticed others being kind to her, and we talk about being grateful for kindness. This is a vital part of teaching high moral and ethical expectations, and when reinforced daily, a child is well on her way to becoming a proficient empathizer. 

​It can be difficult (if not impossible) to practice empathy without understanding specific emotions and being able to identify them in others. Whenever possible, help your child put a name to his or her feelings. When he’s angry, you can say, “It seems like you are feeling really angry right now. It’s okay to feel angry. We all get angry sometimes.” If your son grabs a toy from his sister, you could say “Your sister is crying. It seems like she is sad that you took her toy. What could you do to help her feel better?”

Use books as opportunities to ask your child to identify emotions in the characters of the story. You can also make a game out of it; when you’re out on the playground, try sitting together on a bench and observing others awhile. Pick a person and have your child try to guess what he/she is feeling, and why. Take turns. For instance, “See that little girl standing at the top of the slide? She looks like she doesn’t want to go down. Maybe she is feeling afraid. What do you think?” Sesame Street has a great segment called “Name That Emotion.” Check it out. Watch it with your kids!

​You’ve heard it before but it’s worth repeating: your kids are constantly watching you and learning how to behave by your actions. Even when you think they don’t notice, they are observing your every move. Ask yourself how you are practicing empathy and compassion in your daily life? Take your child to volunteer at a charitable organization. Explain that some families struggle to have enough to eat, and some children don’t have many toys. Encourage your child to give to others less fortunate and emphasize the feelings that accompany giving (joy, pride, worth) as well as receiving (grateful, happy, etc). 

​Don't be afraid to show your child your emotions—even the negative ones. We all get angry. We try to stay in control, but don’t beat yourself up if you lose your temper and yell at your child every once and awhile. Everyone makes mistakes! What’s important is showing your child that you’re a real person who sometimes gets angry, makes mistakes, and is able to apologize for them. That leads to an excellent opportunity to role-model how to give a sincere apology, which is also an important skill (unfortunately with which many adults still struggle-- save that for another post!)

​I’ve had many parents ask me if it’s okay for their children to see them cry, or if it’s appropriate for them to attend a family member’s funeral. The answer is yes, it’s fine. Most often it can ultimately be a positive experience. Be honest and authentic with your child. In kid terms, share with him why you’re sad and the different emotions you may be feeling. Share with him what helps to get you through difficult and sad times. These are all teaching opportunities that will not only help him learn empathy and coping skills, but will also foster insight, courage, authenticity and trust.

​As a therapist, I have seen many children and adolescents with academic problems, school and family conflict, aggression, anxiety, depression and more because they haven’t been routinely taught the skills to learn empathy. With the influx in bullying and violence beginning earlier now than ever, it’s time that we as parents make teaching empathy a priority. By making your parental expectations clear, teaching to identify feelings, and consistently monitoring your own behaviors as a role model, you can make a lasting positive change throughout the world. It starts with you. It starts with our children. 

​Chantal D. Hayes, MA, LCMHC
Licensed Clinical Therapist

References:
 
Dewar, Gwen, Ph.D. (2009-2014). Teaching empathy: Evidence-based tips for fostering empathy in children. http://www.parentingscience.com/teaching-empathy-tips.html#sthash.HsaVK1hh.dpuf
 
Joyce, Amy. (July 18, 2014) Are you raising nice kids? A Harvard psychologist gives 5 ways to raise them to be kind. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/07/18/are-you-raising-nice-kids-a-harvard-psychologist-gives-5-ways-to-raise-them-to-be-kind/
 
Lahey, Jessica. (September 4, 2014.) Teaching Children Empathy. http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/09/04/teaching-children-empathy/?_r=0
 
VanClay, Mary. (2008). The caring child: How to teach empathy. http://www.babycenter.com/0_the-caring-child-how-to-teach-empathy_67146.bc
 
Weissbourd, Richard, and Jones, Stephanie. How Parents Can Cultivate Empathy in Children. Harvard Graduate School of Education. http://sites.gse.harvard.edu/sites/default/files/making-caring-common/files/empathy.pdf

​1.  From the time your child is born, give him everything he wants. Make sure he thinks the world owes him something for being alive. 

2.  Just "let it go" when he hurts you or others. It can also be helpful to laugh and make him think it's cute.

3.  Never give her any spiritual or moral guidance. Let her decide all that on her own.

4.  Avoid using the word "wrong." It may give your child a guilt complex. Later on, when she's been arrested, she will believe everyone is against her and out to get her.
​ 
5.  Always pick up after him and keep up with all his belongings. He doesn't need to learn responsibility or respect for property.

6.  Take your child's side against every teacher, friend, adult, police officer, relative. Make excuses for everything he does. Let him know they are all prejudiced against him, and that he hasn't done anything wrong. 

7.  Argue in front of your child so she won't be surprised if your marriage falls apart. 

8.  Never allow your child to earn his own money or gain privileges by working for it. Just fork over whatever he wants without him having to practice good behavior.

9.  Don't set boundaries. Let her eat and drink whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. It's much easier to let her do everything she wants to do anyway.

10.  Let him watch violent and/or scary movies. Don't monitor what he does on the internet or watches on TV.

11.  Don't set limits on screen time. There is no need to encourage reading, completing school work, or spending time outside.

12.  Prepare yourself for a life of grief. But you can always comfort yourself by knowing you did the best you could!